Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Through Thick And Thin

Can I just say that I love seeing people like Nicki Minaj in the media? She's sometimes skinny, sometimes has a little chunk on her. This is a body that I can relate to.

I'm not someone who calls meatier women "real," as if thin people are somehow imaginary, or anything less than deserving of their own shape and self esteem. I love and appreciate that people come in all sizes.

It's just that my size is different all the time, and I don't see a lot of people like that in the media.

I lovelovelove roller derby, but sometimes I get stressed the fuck out. And you know what happens? I gain weight. My body really responds well to exercise, though. So when I get extra motivated, you know what happens? I get smaller!

The problem is, if you do the same exercises all the time, the body gets bored and stops registering stuff like... years of roller derby... as exercise!

So, in order to stay in shape, I have to mix up the exercise all the time. Always doing something different, which I don't always have the extra time or resources, or (let's be honest) motivation to do.

(Time and resources somehow magically rearrange themselves when you're seriously motivated, don't they?)

It's the motivation that comes and goes. Which, intellectually, I consider natural. If every other element of the natural world moves in seasons and cycles, why would human motivation be any different?

I'm learning to ride those tides and be ok with the fact that sometimes I'll be thick, and sometimes I'll be thin. And that doesn't have to change what an awesome person I am, how well I can do what I can do, or whether I've earned my self esteem or not.

I've met very few honest people who can say that their size doesn't effect their self image. Those I have met, I totally admire for this quality.

I'm not totally there yet. But I'm learning! xoxo


  1. I've been skating for only 8 months, but my body seems to get bigger, then smaller. I know this is probably because I used to be a couch potato, and I'm gaining muscle but it is still hard when I look in the mirror. I used to be skinny, and now, due to medication I've put on 50 pounds in 3 years!! I can totally relate to your story and THANK YOU for writing this! It's good to know that someone who I look up to so much deals with the same issues. Derby Love!
    Spank N. Stein

  2. My weight fluctuates a bit. But what really affects how I feel about myself is - oddly enough - my motivation. I don't know which comes first. Does my motivation oddly drop then so does my self esteem? Or does my self esteem drop then so does my motivation? Which is guilty of dragging the other one down first? I know that when I push the motivation to be active then the self esteem follows and climbs up a notch.

    Oh, that and as I get older my cheeks tend to drop. Soon enough I'll look like the elevator dog from Bugs Bunny! ugh!

  3. Dude! So true!
    I actually weigh the most I ever have in the last 6 years (155), which is also what I weighed when I was 16! Another interesting thing about that is, I've used the same belt for the last 6 years, and even when I've weighed less, my waist-line has been bigger. I guess it's partially muscle vs. fat, and I still wanna slim down but... motivation... *le sigh*